I’ve decided…
I’m going to focus on laughing more.
The more I talk to the people close to me, the more I realize that the death of my parents took me away from me. As I am slowly healing, less people are afraid to point it out.
I am not the same person I used to be. Probably better off in some ways. But, I miss me.
Yesterday, I said “yes” to something I have no desire to do. It took my entire day. It took all my money. But, that entire day, I laughed. The entire day.
Say “Yes” when you would typically say “no.” Did I desire to hike? Nope. Did I desire to be out of my comfort zone? Nope. But, with little plan in place and the day to waste with 2 other moms, we laughed, talked, laughed some more, hiked, drank, drank some more, danced, and woke up with regret. Why hadn’t we taken Advil prior to passing out? That regret.
2020, I have not seen the inside of a gym once. I have not committed to one new year’s resolution. My house is a disaster. I still eat the same shit and drink and have an occasional edible. Because truth, since my Dad’s health decline and his eventual move into my home and his hospice, I just don’t sleep anymore. The gummys help. I’m really tired.
My Dad is gone now. He is with his sons, and his parents. He is in heaven or wherever we go. If there is a heaven, no doubt he’s earned the right to be there. He was perfect. He’s now pain-free. That’s enough for me.
My Mom too. She is gone. She is with her sons, her Mother and Father, and Step-Father. But, my Mom and Dad probably aren’t hanging out. Maybe. Who knows. I’d like to think that things are better between them.
My mom – her loss was more tragic to me. I remain at peace with my Dad. But, my Mom is still a tough one. Perhaps because with her went a big chunk of my life. I am slowly moving on. To think about what and whom I’ve lost still hurts my heart. But, I’m realizing that I have to begin to live again.
I am now a Parent-less Parent striving to do the best job I can. I can’t do that until I figure out how to be the best me I can be. I am working to be a better me by listening to what my heart is telling me – not what I’m used to doing, not what others think is best, and not by any standard. One of my goals is to blog more, recording just my stream of consciousness as I’m doing right this moment. I want to be real. I have to be honest.
There are those people that you come across in your life that make you realize your worth, your capabilities, your talents, your beauty, and what makes you great. Listen to them. Appreciate them. Be around them as much as you can. They see in you what you sometimes fail to see in your own self.
I am grateful that I am married to one of those people.
I am also grateful for all of the laughs I got to have and feel yesterday.
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