Forgiveness

“Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours.”

-James E. Faust

I can hold a grudge like no other. In my mind, my grudge allows for me to control how I will allow others to treat me. I don’t forget. I don’t let things go. I will teach you a lesson. You will regret what you did. I will guarantee this. In reality though, the person or situation is continuing to have control over me.

That. What I just explained of myself. It is so unhealthy. It AFFECTS you. It’s effects are detrimental to your health. It is disruptive to sleep, increases stress levels, and can even be linked to diabetes according to the Huffington Post.

Recently, I did something I am really proud of. If you follow my blog, you’ll know that I struggle with grief due to the loss of my mother and the broken relationship with my former Stepfather. Weeks ago, my sons got to see him after months of requesting to spend time with him. My nephew coordinated all of this. In the end, I learned that they were taken to his office for the visit. Intimate? I would say no. And the visit was fairly short for the amount of time they had not seen each other. But, it is what it is. My son’s truly enjoyed it. I decided to release a lot of the burden I had been carrying by emailing my former Stepfather. I was on the fence as to whether I should include it in this post. Really, it exposes nothing but my love for him, my sadness for what occurred, and my request for direction. I need to know how I should lead my boys in regards to maintaining a connection with him moving forward. Here is what I wrote to him:

Hi,

You don’t have to respond. I wanted to personally thank you for still
thinking of my kids despite our disagreement. Quentin and Dion love
you so much. I constantly encourage them to reach out to you. Just
because I feel a certain way does not mean I expect them to share my
opinion. I know how much you mean to them and I think I know how much
they mean to you. My dad is dying. Quentin sees it. It’s affecting
him greatly. And it brings up so much pain with losing my mom for
him.

The boys need you. I don’t know if you have any desire or ability to
become a more present part in their lives. If you can’t, I
understand. I will stop the encouragement. I don’t believe they will
ever forget you – especially Quentin. This has been a very tough year
for him. He struggled at his new school. I have to take ownership
over how my sadness, grief, and parenting has affected him. I know
that it has. Before I ruin my kids for life, I have to get a grip on
my grief, heartbreak, and anger. And this email is the beginning
stage of this process.You were my dad almost my entire life. Ultimately, I really did and
still do want you to be happy. You gave my mom an incredible life.
You took great care of us. I will never forget it. I know in my
heart that my mom would want you to be happy. I hope you are doing
that. I considered hashing out the reasons I was so heartbroken over
what happened. I wanted to explain why I was so hurt, and broken and
angry. In the end, it doesn’t matter.I have a job now. I work closely with the Orange County Sheriffs.
I’ve become pretty close with many of them. One in particular
reminded me a little of you. He was a doting grandfather and father.
He was getting ready to go to Oregon this past week for his daughter’s
wedding. This trip has been all he’s talked about. His kids, his 2
small granddaughters, and himself rented an Air BnB for the week
leading up to the wedding so that they could all be together. I just
received news this morning that the day after his daughter’s wedding,
he died of a heart attack.I have a lot of regret when it comes to my mom. I wish she knew how
truly amazing and incredible I found her to be. I wish she knew what
she truly did for me. I wish she really knew how much she helped me
in my life. It’s too late. I didn’t show her how much I valued her.
I will live with that forever.You have been such an important person in my life. I think about how
selfless you were. Anything I needed, you provided. You don’t
realize how incredible this is until you have little ones of your own
that you struggle to provide for. Each school dance, any event, my
first car, second car, and graduation car, vacations, college,
everything for Quentin and Dion and even Symone. Everything; I could
go on and on. You truly were my dad. I was so lucky. I don’t expect
a response. I needed to tell you this.Thank you for everything.Love,DuskyUnfortunately, I never received a reply. Am I sad? Certainly. Am I angry? Perhaps a little. I don’t regret showing my vulnerability. I still love him. Physically and emotionally, It feels like I dropped some major weight. Resentment is no longer the first emotion that comes to mind when I think of what occurred. It feels better. It really does. The silence on the other end of this email where his response would have been is deafening. It screams to me “The End!” Even the “Good” would be missing in “Goodbye” had I even received a response at all.

Random. I saw a photo of Katherine McPhee recently. She recently married David Foster. Prior to this, he was married to Yolanda Hadid. She appeared on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when she was still married to David. Her kids lived in that beautiful cliffside ocean view house with them. I don’t know how long Yolanda and David were married. I also don’t know how great his relationship was with her kids. But, it made me wonder what they think of him now. It also makes me wonder if there is anyone who has experienced this who might have some wisdom to share about it. If you exist and you’re out there, please share.

This is a big step. I’m hopeful that it is also the first of many attempts that I take in learning and practicing forgiveness. I have a lot of work to do. I used to view my grudges as a way of protecting my heart from further pain. I was establishing boundaries. I swore I would not allow people or situations to penetrate the walls I set in the place of where the pain now resided. But, his required too much maintenance and energy. My response to all of this became such a job and it has drained me. It left me so empty. It robbed my kids and my husband of peace. I had to quit to save my sanity.

I also unblocked a lot of people from my social media that were related to that situation. It was no longer necessary to me to have that in place. This also felt good.

I want to be better. I want to feel better. It’s happening. I’m growing from this.