I could list all the things that weigh me down right now. But the list is long. I have so much to think about. I had a few good years in my teens and twenties. Maybe life is playing catch up now. I try not to dwell on the sadness I’ve endured. I see how others live in that past and what it steals from the present.
I am in denial about a lot of things. Recognizing this is difficult in itself. But, it’s the first step, right? It’s crucial in making necessary changes. It’s the beginning stage in your chance for growth.
Much of what currently affects me is not my personal struggle. Because I care, it becomes my burden to bear. My burden to bear but I have no power over any of it. It’s exhausting.
Love really might not be enough. To help. To heal.
The decline of something can be hard to observe. In order to get a handle on loss, defeat, or the tragedy associated with a sad ending, you have to see it, feel it, and be with it in order to process it and get over or through it.
And for those that you love and care for so immensely, your hope can only get you so far. You wish for them to improve, to understand, to see. Sadly, you’ve been hoping, and waiting and wishing for years. You turn a blind eye to their decline, or their mistakes, or to how everything is beginning to feel all the time now – for you – and for them.
In anticipation of what is to come, results I’m not in control of, I clench my eyes closed so tightly. I don’t want to see. This hinders any chance toward progression. Toward healing. Toward moving on. The obvious truths are too painful to see. No wonder I’d rather go blind. It’s all out of my control anyway.
So, instead, let me go back to Instagramming cute photos of my kids and dogs and pretending like everything is golden.
“We numb our minds and heart so one need not be broken and the other need not be bothered.” -Peggy Haymes
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