Dusky edwards

I never realized how much I valued the feedback of my mother until I no longer had access to it.

I never realized how much I relied on my mother until she was no longer there.

I never realized how much we all took her for granted.

All the little things were really so big.

Recently, a problem came up. I could not clearly understand all the angles. Weeks later, my thoughts on the issue are still swirling in my head. SO MANY TIMES I thought to seek my mother’s input. So many times, I was immediately heart punched because it’s just not an option. She’s gone. The power of this feeling is immeasurable and indescribable. It’s still too big for me to comprehend.

Our ways of thinking were very similar. I felt that I understood her. Yet, I didn’t understand her at all. I spent a large part of her life resenting her. I found her to be fake. I’m sad that this is true. I’m embarrassed to admit it. In a lot of ways, she wanted to be perceived as someone who was on a higher level than the rest of us. Bigger. Greater. In a lot of ways, she deserved that. She was all this. I’m incredibly sad that I realized this too late. For as much as I hated her order of priorities, I failed to see that I was one. The tremendous sorrow I feel about all this is simply harrowing.

She was my go to. For everything. If I needed a sitter, it was her. If she couldn’t, she’d help me brainstorm my options. And she’d even offer to pay someone. How did all of this go so unappreciated?

My own little family has become hugely self-reliant and even a bit isolated. We are all we have. Truth. We are all we have. It’s as if our little circle has sealed. If you exit, there’s no re-entry. I’ll take responsibility for a large part of this. I was betrayed and let down by the person closest to my own mother; someone I respected, someone I loved, and someone I referred to as a parent (a grandparent to my children). I never ever could have imagined this would occur. And I still don’t know what the right response should be when my boys ask to go to Papa’s. My mom would. I’m at a loss.

I don’t trust much in this world after what happened. I shut a lot of life out. I’m unapologetic for this. Have it happen to you. See how gracefully you handle it. I do wonder if there are some who question whether I’ve gone about things the right way. Inquiries would be shut down real quick. I think those who know me have no doubt of this.

I carry a lot of guilt for the opinions I often felt of my mother. This haunts me. Ironically, I always felt a great deal of gratitude for her. I’m in debt to my mother. Although she grew up with an absent father and a step father that wasn’t always kind, she gifted me with an incredible father. How do you repay something as beautiful as that?

I have little patience and concern for those who take their abundance for granted; who complain about what others would kill for. As they create their self-serving issues, I sit and worry about the day I have no living parents. It’s coming. Soon.

I commend myself for how I’ve been doing. I truly applaud my grief, my survival, my struggle, my transparency, and my authenticity. I wasn’t given a choice otherwise. My mom would be proud. I believe this.

During a conversation with my husband where I was trying to figure out another problem, I said, “Can I just have my mom back? Can we just have them both back? Is that too much to ask?” He responded, “No, it’s not too much to ask. You’re asking for very little.”