I have mourned the loss of my older brother for over 20 years. He took himself away from us by suicide. I’ve mourned the loss of my mother. Cancer robbed us of her. And what I have come to realize is I have also been mourning the loss of a person just as much a father to me as my own. Except, he’s not dead. I am dead to him it seems. And so are my children that asked about him as recently as the car ride home from seeing my father. How I lost him, I’m still unsure.
It wasn’t even a year after my mother died that I felt the loss was impending. My grief feels never ending. I wonder if he wonders about us. Every. Single. Day.
I’ve had a lot of days in the past few weeks that I’ve felt ok. But. Then. On a random night where I don’t have my boys to question me, I drive by my mother’s home. I never drive onto her street. That’s too dangerous. It’s too painful. That’s the last home I shared with my mother. It’s no longer my home. It’s no longer her home. It is his home. It is his life. I will never know him or that or anything related to it ever again.
I am wreckless. Way more than I’ve ever been. I don’t really care about a lot of things anymore. I care about my kids. I care about my family. My heart is just tired of hurting. Don’t get me wrong. I have a huge will to live. But, all of that other shit…. it’s confirmation of how black and white I’ve always been. It’s scary to me how black and white I’ve become. Good or bad. Here I am.
I want to thank whomever is responsible for giving me one more year with my dad. When I arrived at the spot to celebrate him today, he had a huge gash in his forehead. He’d fallen, yet again. I fear I don’t have much time left. I fear he doesn’t have a clue how much I need him right now. But, I also know how much he’s suffering.
My husband is the best father. My kids are beyond fortunate. I am beyond fortunate. If I didn’t have him, especially in these last few years, I am certain I could not be here. He is everything to me. To us.
Happy Father’s Day to those who deserve the title. Please know what an incredible impact you’ve made on the lives of those you father.
Leave a Reply